Just Me & My Thoughts.

Where Will They Take Me Today?

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dwnthetracks asked: How sad. I hope you're not in too much pain. :(

Thank you for your kind message. I am doing ok x

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A Beautifully Sad Thought.

(I must firstly point out that this has not happened to me. I’ve been chewing over this piece of writing for a couple of days and have decided to post it.)

There he lay. The man I loved utterly and completely. He had lain there for enough time to pass so I did not see the tubes or wires or hear the hisses and beeps. The tubes, wires, hisses and beeps that kept the man I loved with me, for just a little longer. I leant over the bed, holding his face in my hands, as I had so many times before. Pain was etched all over it, but through the drug induced haze in his eyes, his love for me pierced the pain and shone through. I held my tears at bay and basked in it. I loved, caressed, kissed and held this face. I did not need to commit it to memory, it was already burned into it. His love burned into my heart and soul.

He said the exact thing I had wished, hoped and expected him to. “I want to hold you in my arms one last time” I closed my eyes for the briefest of moments and smiled. I knew exactly what he wanted. I undressed in front of him and, negotiating tubes and wires, climbed under the covers with him wearing only what he called ‘his favourite pants’. He felt so much more fragile than the last time we had laid together; body to body, face to face. Gently I eased myself into the crook of his arm, propping myself up on my elbow, pressing my chest against his and holding him carefully around his stomach with my other arm. Somehow he found the strength to run his fingers up and down my spine, as he had done so many times before. With a jolt I was taken to the countless hours we spent like this, sometimes talking, sometimes kissing, sometimes loving in the most connected way we knew how, but always intimate. Being intimately us.

I lowered my head to his chest to hear his heart. My heart. Our heart. The heart that beat for me. The heart that lulled me to sleep with it’s strong rhythmic beat every night, arms holding me tight in place so I didn’t miss a beat that was meant for me. I kissed the spot where the beat seemed the strongest and loudest and then worked my way up until I found his lips. My lips. Our lips. Lips that formed the words ‘I love you’ every day. Lips that kissed, taking my breath away with the intensity. We stayed like this for a long time. Slowly, gently, as though we had all the time in the world. We didn’t. “One more” he murmured. Another kiss. “Just one more” I smiled into the kiss, remembering the lingering goodbyes when we had to part. One more. Just one more.

Then a white coat. An abrupt stop and pause at the unorthodox sight. Something should be said, ought to be said. But there was understanding, a realisation it was too late for rules. There was checking, writing and then quietly leaving. Then a neatly pressed uniform. Things were checked, emptied, replaced. All the time we lay there, body to body and face to face. Our eyes locked on one another, focusing on all that we were, all that we had. We refused to acknowledge, give thought to, all that we stood to lose and the final indignities that came with it.

He drifted in and out of consciousness, each time drifting further from my reach. He knew. I knew. “Just one more and then hold tight”. I put all the love I felt for this man, my man, into what was our last kiss. The last time those lips would take my breath away. The last time we were able to form the words and say them to each other. And then I held him, body to body and face to face, as he drifted beyond my reach and slipped away from me completely and taking my heart with him. It’s empty shell shattering into a million irretrievable pieces that cut into me from my core and spread outwards. I was broken.

A sudden, brief flurry of activity and then the tubes and wires were gone and the hisses and beeps silenced. 

One more. Just one more. And then I truly had to let go.

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A Hard Goodbye To Say.

I’ve known you all my life. All my life you have been there, whether I have needed you or not. Now you’ve gone and I find I long for the knowledge that you are there, whether I need you or not. My heart aches when the realisation hits that I can no longer turn to you when I need you.

Today I had to say goodbye. You couldn’t hear the whispered words I said.

You would have loved the chaos of the standing room only service. You would have loved and laughed at the cherished memories that were shared. You would have understood the tears that needed to flow. Your heart would have been touched beyond comprehension at seeing your beloved daughter fight to speak every word, keeping her pain inside. You would have been so proud, she is her Father’s daughter and everyone saw it.

I am going to miss you very much. It’s that simple.

You’ve earned your wings and it’s your time to fly.

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A Salute.

I’ve just sat and watched…….well, cried through, an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. It featured the Tate family. The Tate family home was destroyed after a freak accident saw it hit by a small plane that done a large amount of damage. Their home was condemned due to all the aviation fuel that was spilt in the accident, also because of the fire and structural damage that was done.

My heart went out to the the Mum, who was home alone when the plane crashed into their home. As her house burned she amazingly stayed long enough to shout an apology to the trapped pilot and passenger, she was sorry she couldn’t help them. What an incredible woman, to think of doing that while her home burned. 

Because of a mistake with the financial arrangements for the house, there was no insurance. Sorting out the removal of the contaminated waste and re-building their home would have cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. They did not have that kind of money available. They were homeless.

The Tate family got their new home. Built on the sturdy foundation of their previous home. Many of their photographs, thought lost to smoke and fire damage, had been restored and the most important one was the picture of their 21 year old son. A marine.

It’s the 21 year old marine, who has been to Iraq/Iran that said the most poignant words. At the very end of the programme, he said that it was people who were willing to do whatever it takes for other people, to give them hope that makes serving his country, and maybe making the ultimate sacrifice, worthwhile.

He then apologised for not being able to express himself properly.

Marine, I think you said it perfectly.

So, to all the Marine Corp, Army, Navy, Air Force - all of you and no matter what country you serve - I salute you; for your protection, your peace keeping efforts, your bravery, your loyalty and for the thousand and one sacrifices you are WILLING to make every time you put on your uniform. 

Filed under Tate Family. Freak accident. Marine.

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50 Things You Need To Give Up Today

sincerelypurti:

  1. Give up trying to be perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.
  2. Give up comparing yourself to others. – The only person you are competing against is yourself.
  3. Give up dwelling on the past or worrying too much about the future. – Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you. Right now is life. Don’t miss it.
  4. Give up complaining. – Do something about it.
  5. Give up holding grudges. – Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness.
  6. Give up waiting. – What we don’t start today won’t be finished by tomorrow. Knowledge and intelligence are both useless without action.
  7. Give up lying. – In the long-run the truth always reveals itself. Either you own up to your actions or your actions will ultimately own you.
  8. Give up trying to avoid mistakes. – The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.
  9. Give up saying, “I can’t.” – As Henry Ford put it, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.”
  10. Give up trying to be everything to everyone. – Making one person smile can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. Start small. Start now.
  11. Give up thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
  12. Give up setting small goals for yourself. – Many people set small goals because they’re afraid to fail. Ironically, setting these small goals is what makes them fail.
  13. Give up trying to do everything by yourself. – You are the sum of the people you spend the most time with. If you work together, you will be far more capable and powerful than you ever could have been alone.
  14. Give up buying things you don’t need. – Manage your money wisely so your money does not manage you. Do not spend to impress others. Do not live life trying to fool yourself into thinking wealth is measured in material objects.
  15. Give up blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can live your dream life depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
  16. Give up making mountains out of molehills. – One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years? If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
  17. Give up trying to live up to the expectations of others. – Work on it for real and exceed your own expectations. Everything else will fall into place.
  18. Give up the ‘easy street’ mentality. – There is too much emphasis on finding a ‘quick fix’ in today’s society. For example taking diet pills to lose weight instead of exercising and eating well. No amount of magic fairy dust replaces diligent, focused, hard work.
  19. Give up making promises you can’t keep. – Don’t over-promise. Over-deliver on everything you do.
  20. Give up letting your thoughts and feelings bottle up inside. – People are not mind readers. They will never know how you feel unless you tell them.
  21. Give up beating around the bush. – Say what you mean and mean what you say. Communicate effectively.
  22. Give up avoiding change. – However good or bad a situation is now, it will change. That’s the one thing you can count on. So embrace change and realize that change happens for a reason. It won’t always be easy or obvious at first, but in the end it will be worth it.
  23. Give up your sense of entitlement. – Nobody is entitled to anything in this world. We are all equal. We breathe the same air. We get what we give. We get what we earn.
  24. Give up waiting until the last minute. – Those who fail to plan, plan to fail.
  25. Give up being dramatic. – Stay out of other people’s drama and don’t needlessly create your own.
  26. Give up being anti-athletic. – Get your body moving! Simply take a long, relaxing walk or commit 30 minutes to an at-home exercise program like the P90X workout.
  27. Give up junk food. – You are what you eat.
  28. Give up eating as a means of entertainment. – Don’t eat when you’re bored. Eat when you’re hungry.
  29. Give up foolish habits that you know are foolish.– Don’t text and drive. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t smoke. Etc.
  30. Give up relationships with people who bring you down. – Saying “no” to right people gives you the time and resources required to say “yes” to right opportunities. Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded.
  31. Give up being shy. – Network with people. Meet new people. Ask questions. Introduce yourself.
  32. Give up worrying about what others think of you. – Unless you’re trying to make a great first impression (job interview, first date, etc.), don’t let the opinions of others stand in your way. What they think and say about you isn’t important. What is important is how you feel about yourself.
  33. Give up trying to control everything. – Life is an unpredictable phenomenon. No matter how good or bad things seem right now, we can never be 100% certain what will happen next. So do you best with what’s in front of you and leave the rest to the powers above you.
  34. Give up doing the same thing over and over again. – In order to grow, you must expand your horizons and break free of your comfort zone. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.
  35. Give up following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t find the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
  36. Give up persistent multi-tasking. – Do one thing at a time and do it right.
  37. Give up thinking others are luckier than you. – The harder you work, the luckier you will become.
  38. Give up filling every waking moment with commitments and activities. – It’s okay to be alone. It’s okay to do nothing sometimes. Think. Relax. Breathe. Be.
  39. Give up making emotional decisions. – Don’t let your emotions trump your intelligence. Slow down and think things through before you make any life-changing decisions.
  40. Give up doing the wrong things just because you can get away with it. – Just because you can get away with something doesn’t mean you should do it. Think bigger. Keep the end in mind. Do what you know in your heart is right.
  41. Give up focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
  42. Give up taking yourself so seriously. – Few others do anyway. So enjoy yourself and have a little fun while you can.
  43. Give up spending your life working in a career field you’re not passionate about. – Life is too short for such nonsense. The right career choice is based on one key point: Finding hard work you love doing. So if you catch yourself working hard and loving every minute of it, don’t stop. You’re on to something big. Because hard work ain’t hard when you concentrate on your passions.
  44. Give up thinking about the things you don’t have. – Appreciate everything you do have. Many people aren’t so lucky.
  45. Give up doubting others. – People who are determined do remarkable things. Remember, the one who says it can’t be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
  46. Give up fussing with every beauty product on the market. – Good looks attracts the eyes. Personality attracts the heart. Be proud to be you. That’s when you’re beautiful.
  47. Give up trying to fit in. – Don’t mold yourself into someone you’re not. Be yourself. Oftentimes, the only reason they want you to fit in is that once you do they can ignore you and go about their business.
  48. Give up trying to be different for the sake of being different. – Nonconformity for the sake of nonconformity is conformity. When people try too hard to be different, they usually end up being just like everyone else who is trying to be different. Once again, be yourself.
  49. Give up trying to avoid risk. – There’s no such thing as ‘risk free.’ Everything you do or don’t do has an inherent risk.
  50. Give up putting your own needs on the back burner. – Yes, help others, but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

And remember, mistakes make us human, failures help us grow, hope keeps us going and love is the reason we’re alive. So keep learning, loving and living. Never give up on yourself.

(Source: becomeunafraid, via nolongeravictim)

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Anonymous asked: Re: Assumption and Doubt - You did have that!

If by that, you mean I had friends checking on me that particular day, then you are correct. Other than that I am not sure what you mean.

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Public Forum. Private Opinion.

What is it about people’s comments that incense other people SO much, they can’t resist saying something nasty back? Why do they feel the need to try and belittle someone for saying either what was on their mind or in their heart at the time?

Let me explain, I watched an episode of Air Crash Investigation and it was one where the two pilots done everything they possibly could do to save their plane and passengers. At one point they were managing to fly upside down. Very sadly, they ran out of air space, the plane crashed and everyone died. It is a sad episode and it made me tearful watching it. I said as much in a comment.

I received a reply to my comment saying I should not be so stupid, of course the pilots would battle to save the plane, they would not abandon it and play chess (???). I should not post (and I quote) “sentimental and empty statements’ and should refrain from tapping away on my keyboard and wasting the precious time of other people by them having to read my comment.

Ok, so on a public forum I am not allowed to say what I want? Hmmmmmm………

Or maybe, I should have started my comment with “DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT LIKE SENTIMENTAL COMMENTS”.

Maybe I should of just kept my thoughts, feelings and opinions to myself. Not said anything about how the lost battle between man and broken machine made me feel. 

Or maybe…….just maybe, the person that thought it would be ok to try and belittle what I had to say should FUCK RIGHT OFF, get a life and leave people alone. 

It is all too easy to spread hate and so damn hard to eradicate it from our lives. We can sometimes be surrounded by people who think what they have to say is so much more important and hate people who are brave enough to tell complete strangers how they feel and what they are thinking.

So to all of you brave enough to stand up, be heard, be read…………I think you are amazing. And I am standing right there with you.

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Assumption vs Doubt.

People’s assumption that I am ok is generally correct. I spend my days interacting with people I care about. People I worry about. People I love. People I laugh with. People I miss when I haven’t seen or heard from them for a while.

Just once, I would like someone to call me in a complete panic when they haven’t seen or heard from me and have paid attention to some niggling doubt that maybe, just maybe, I am not ok.

To have someone go to that level for me, it would mean everything.

I am constantly at that level for them.

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Is Truly…

…loving Tumblr today. I follow some amazing people with equally amazing blogs. I really ought to try and make mine more interesting, feel as though I am letting the side down here.

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Sometimes, all you need is for someone to sit still with you. I am so lucky to have this.

Sometimes, all you need is for someone to sit still with you. I am so lucky to have this.